My nipple is on Facebook.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
