When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
