I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Every concussion has its silver lining
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
