we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
