Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
