why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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