Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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