My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
