and she was petting her beer can
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
