I think im going to throw up on grandma
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
