I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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