things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
