he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
