The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize