At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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