Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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