Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize