Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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