I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
