She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize