I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she looked like the before picture.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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