it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
These tits shall not be calmed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
