I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
