Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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