DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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