I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize