I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
