no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
