I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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