So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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