my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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