I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize