So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
