He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
