i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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