life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize