you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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