so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
