Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
me + whiskey = a bad person
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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