Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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