did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize