I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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