He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
