as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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