she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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