just tell him i said nine months
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
