went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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