Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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