nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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