She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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