I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
