I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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