On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
