Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
