apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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