Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
