I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
