Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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