Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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