my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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